


i risk it all just to be with you

by azumarheart



Series: walking the tightrope with you [3]
Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 17:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20567987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/azumarheart
Summary: Rue has been spinning through chaos since the day she was born. Finding calmness in the chaos is only possible by going to extremes. That's why she takes the drugs that sweep her up in the chaos. That's why she's desperate to be with Jules, who defies the limits of reality.But every high has its low, and the come-downs are always the hardest.





	i risk it all just to be with you

**Author's Note:**

> I started this at work and absolutely could not stop writing. I really just love diving deep into these characters' minds!! So here's a fic from Rue's POV. I might write 1 last fic in this series to show Rue's POV if Jules had gotten off the train. Maybe. No promises yet lol.
> 
> As always, your support is much appreciated!! Love you guys; seriously every comment fuels me to write more!

Rue craves instability. You reach a point, after everything shakes and overwhelms and chaos is at its peak, where it all turns to calm.

When everything around you is spinning, and you start spinning with it. And it all looks still. It makes your head dizzy and your stomach lurch. But take enough pills and you barely notice. It actually feels kind of fun.

Of course, until you crash and burn. The come-downs from highs are always the worst.

Rue craves instability but she _needs_ stability. She needs her mom and sister and her meds and a set schedule and grounding friends like Lexi. Her brain will go off kilter if she doesn’t have those things. And she’ll spin and spin until her only options are to either _lose her fucking mind_, or hit up Fezco for something that will spin her in sync.

But Rue is done with drugs. She’s trying her hardest to stay clean. For Jules.

Rue wants Jules. Rue wants Jules so bad it makes her cry sometimes. A weepy, achy yearning.

Jules is a high, Jules makes her spin. Makes the craziness not so crazy. But Jules doesn’t just make her spin in time with the chaos; Jules slows down time. She defies the laws of fucking physics. Making everything move so slow and peaceful, like a perfectly preserved moment in a snow globe. Glitter falling from the ceiling and all.

Rue gets the privilege of being able to experience that. To be right with such a limit-defying human. It’s _addicting_.

But there’s always a come-down. Always a crash and a burn.

——

Rue suggests the idea of running away because she’s still feeling the residues of mania and she hates the whole town and the chaos it causes. She wants to escape for a while, and who better to do that with than Jules?

And Jules gives her that sunshine bright smile, twinkles in her eyes, and suddenly the world is in slow motion. Everything focuses to Jules and her hair and her teeth and her nose and hands and eyelashes. Rue is spinning and spinning and Jules is in the center of it all, calm and ethereal. Rue follows after her.

But every pedal, every step through the station makes the world spin a little faster. She’s getting out of sync with Jules, pulling further from her center of gravity. Jules is moving forward, steady as ever, locked in a pocket of time that doesn’t move. Rue starts to spin again, slowly, then fast, until the world is whipping around her.

Then Jules is on the train, so seemingly stable and transcendent all in one. Floating steady through the tornado whipping around Rue. And Jules isn’t moving, she’s standing there, begging Rue to get on. Begging her to continue with the chaos. Because it’s alright if Jules is there right? Jules will slow it down right?

But chaos is still chaos, no matter how slow it goes.

The come-downs are always the hardest.

The train leaves and Rue is sobbing, heaving, her whole world spinning out of orbit.

She doesn’t know how she makes it home; it’s a dizzy blurry mess. She can’t see through her tears, she can’t feel through the intense pain in her chest. Rue thinks she’s counting out loud, but her hearing is muffled, so it’s likely that she might be shouting. Her hands move without her consent and she starts to scratch at her arms and the bright pain feels like it helps somehow. When she looks down, she sees blood and it makes her cry harder because fuck. She’s such a fucking mess.

When she storms across her driveway, she sees that her mom’s car is gone. Night shift. She remembers somehow, through the fog in her mind, that Gia is at a friend’s house for the night, so she doesn’t feel the need to quiet her sobs when she walks in the house. She goes to the bathroom and roughly wipes off her makeup and the blood drying on her arms.

Rue gets to her room and rips off the clothes Jules dressed her in. The sleeves on her jacket have blood on them. She shoves them into a corner of her room and blows her way into her closet. If she stops moving for a second she doesn’t think she’ll be able to move again. She’ll rot in place.

It’s clear that there’s only one thing to wear right now, and it’s her dad’s outfit. She usually only wears the jacket for comfort, but she pulls on the sweatpants too tonight. She needs it.

It’s only once she sits on her bed does the reality of what happened really truly hit her. A whine is pulled from the back of her throat, and she digs her fingers into her hair. She should feel stable here, in her home. With her dad’s clothes, with her mom and sister just one call away, with her bed and same 4 walls she’s lived in her whole life.

But the world keeps spinning and spinning and Jules isn’t here to slow it down. Jules is gone. The world won’t stop spinning. Rue feels hysteria building in her body, threatening to tear her apart. To snap her brain, finally, and make her lose her connection with reality.

There’s only one thing she can do.

Rue stumbles up from her bed, and tears through all her secret stashes. Almost all of the spots are empty, and as she reaches her last two, she’s feeling scared. She doesn’t know what she’ll do if she doesn’t take something right now.

One is empty, the other holds two pills. They’re buried so deep in their hiding place that she almost doesn’t see them. But she grabs one and she’s laughing hysterically. Muscle memory guides her to a book, and through the motions of crushing the pill, lining it up. Sitting on the edge of the bed, snorting the whole line. Taking it all. Doing it all for love.

Rue starts to spin. She syncs up with the world. It’s calm. Her brain stops.

_Euphoria_.

**Author's Note:**

> me, putting the show title in the story= basically shakespeare
> 
> Note how Rue sees Jules as more of a mystical, ethereal being than human. Like she can break the laws of physics. But Jules is just a child too.


End file.
